I’m a 29-year-old Nigerian single
guy stranded in the prison of Gynephobia.
There are so many weird things
about me. For instance, I’m naturally ambidextrous (as in, I use both left and
right hands equally); so uncommon.
Also, I hear people talk about
their favorite this and that…I don’t have a favorite anything. Like asking me
my favorite movie, color, food, blah blah…is what I can’t answer. Now it’s
getting so not like human, I know.
At the risk of being called a
jerk, I already feel shy to say that, I’m still a virgin. At 29? Yes! How can I
when I can’t even walk up to one single girl with my sanity all intact?
Let me shock you with the
weirdest of them all, I have two different types of hands. I mean, my right
hand is a bit different from my left hand. Yes. I know it sounds unbelievable
but that’s the truth...
Now I know I’m freaking you out.
I don’t have any super-powers, not that I know, though sometimes I feel I’m an
alien. But I’m just a normal guy with an abnormal fear of women, better worse,
I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m still a virgin. My friends
will tell me women are nothing…that the reason why I fear them is because I’ve
not gotten intimate with any of them. Better still, I’ve never had sex; an eye
opener as they call it.
I tried reasoning along that path
but the problem isn’t the act as to how, in the first place, to walk up to a
lady and ask her “hey, I want to have sex with you”. That sounds too sick and
spoilt. Starting a normal conversation with them is even a problem talk more of
asking them out. Gosh, I’ll literally pee in my pants.
So here is what I did in a bid to
break my gynephobic bars. I asked my best friend, Neil, to help me out.” I
don’t know how you want to do it, but just do something”, I said. He understood
me better than anyone else I know, including my parents. It turned out, Neil
became my ‘go-between’; connecting me with girls of different classes. I’ve
screwed my chances a couple times but there was one remarkable experience I’d
never forget. It was my most recent shot (courtesy of Neil, of course).
As usual, we’d gone to the
weekend night club of Orientals. The environment was thick as strands of smoke
flamed out from the darker side of the hall where the ‘bad guys’ hangout. The
DJ was crazily doing his thing and everyone was apparently lost in the euphoria
of the moment. At first, I took to a sit, crossed my legs and was helping
myself with a half filled glass of Champaign.
I was feeling like the ‘it’ dude
in the block with my tuxedo flipped across my shoulder when suddenly, my
greatest fear came starring at me. I never foresaw this. You know that
have-you-met-my-friend kind of introduction? That was how Neil came to me with
Ivy. I wished I could initiate an earthquake and just dive in. Especially with
my weird attributes, I felt there was something I could do instantly but my
creative genius was nowhere to be found.
What do I say to Ivy? How do I
say what I want to say? Where questions that deeply troubled my soul while I
still sat there like a jerk. She tried introducing herself when she felt I
wasn’t ready to talk but my hands were shaking and I was literally fidgeting as
I stood.
I took a second gaze at her and
lost the grip over my glass of Champaign. Now the worst has happened. I gulped
the last saliva left in my mouth and as though I wanted to vomit, I ran to use
the convenience. My my… that was the brightest idea I could imagine. But it
never saved me.
Ivy was the caring type so she
wanted to make sure this awkward dude was fine. She followed me out but had to
wait at the door of the convenience. Very often, I’d hear her call out if I’m
OK. Then I knew I was in real shit. I couldn’t come out. I only managed to tell
her, once, that I was fine. I even asked her to go and leave me alone.
After about 10 minutes, I thought
she’d gone. I arranged myself again, this time I had to wear my tuxedo. I made
sure I tried out my carriage via the mirror to be certain no one notices what was
wrong with me, raised my shoulder high and majestically walked out the door.
As my head came out, I saw the
last thing I remembered that night; 5 elegantly gorgeous girls including Ivy (I
guess they were her friends) waiting to see that dude that ran into the
convenience. The moment they saw me, as though planned, they all chorused “Oh
my God…are you OK?”
I couldn’t face one, how on earth
will I face five?
I stood there numb, dumb, and
frozen.
To be continued…
Written By: Michael Agene
A writer at Pride Magazine
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